i don’t like it when i loathe and love something at the same time. i don’t like it when i got a story in my head but i forgot it when i’m about to write it down. i don’t like it when the room is getting too cold. i don’t like it when there is a silence that feels awkward and strange between us. i don’t like it when a dream is just another dream. i don’t like it when i couldn’t finish what i’ve started.
she had her own reasons. when she tried to explain everything—yet miserably failed at it and remained silent instead—she got her own reasons. in her head, in her heart.
here are my answers to your damn questions. i do care about you. a lot. but i don’t want to get too attached with you, because i know someday you will leave me. i can’t live without you, to be honest. that is why i keep a distance from you. i can’t bear not to be with you, that is why i have to learn how to feel alone. forgive me for my selfishness.
those are the answers that she told her loved one silently. she could not say a word. she could only stare at the television.
i’ll just pretend none of those things ever happened.
you haven’t told me anything.
i haven’t told you anything.
let’s forget everything.
i need you to save me from this numbness
take off this mask of happiness i wear
i’m utterly tired of it
the only two things she knows.
“Maybe you should stop liking him. Loving him. Or whatever you’re feeling. Hating him too, perhaps?”
“I don’t know anything anymore.”
“Shut up. Why do you always say that? You are such a cliché.”
“I know. It’s true, though. I am a cliché.”
“Ah. Finally, something you actually know.”
“There is another thing that I know. I know he loves me. He just doesn’t wanna show it. For a man like him, loving a person like me is too risky.”
“Why is it risky to love you?”
“What’s so risky about loving an insecure person?”
“Insecure—for me—means self doubt. Self doubt leads to curiosity. Sometimes, curiosity could turn into non-sense. And non-sense—for me—causes numbness of reality. Therefore, insecure leads to numbness of reality.”
“And why is it risky again?”
“My guess is because he is afraid he might lose his mind. The fact is that he loves me. Secretly. So.. He probably have lost his mind already. Secretly, of course.”
“I don’t know what are you talking about.”
“Neither do I. Those are the only two things that I am sure I know about myself.”
-Karina, April 29, 2010