Locks of Love, Namsan Tower. one day we will go there together, me and you. the color of my lock will be pink. i will write you a boring handwritten note like “You are my favorite person ever. You and I, together forever. Fighting! With love, your MVP.” :)
there is this feeling about waiting that comforts me. i am the kind of person who does not set my hopes too high, so if he finally comes to see me, i will be more than happy.
the ever so beautiful raindrops. i could just watch them falling down my bedroom window all day long while thinking about what i’ve done wrong, what should i do to fix anything that’s broken in my life, are you thinking about me, and are we meant to be together.
i can see you standing over there, but you seem so far away. i can see you standing right in front of me, but i miss you terribly. unreachable. untouched. unreal. maybe you are just my imagination, i’m just being delusional again. but my feelings for you are real. so real, you could grasp it out of thin air. so true, you could hear it whispering in the sound of the wind. i’ll always love you even from a distance. i’ll protect you. i’ll pray for you.
I listened to your voice that night. I listened and felt your presence, as if we were speaking the same words, as if our thoughts were one. You told me to hang on, to hold on. So that is what I’m doing now. I’m waiting for you. “The time will come, my dear. We will be together again. I will come for you. Promise me to stay strong.” I repeated your words a million times that night, like a charm. The best thing about it was I believed it. I believe in you. Always have and always will. We have been walking in the same direction for all this time, it has been ages to me. But that’s alright, because we both believe in happy endings. I could not wait any longer. I hope we will meet very soon. I pray for you every night. I will be waiting for you. I will be waiting for you, on the Cassiopeia. ps: this writing is dedicated to our beloved TVXQ and all Cassiopeias out there. thank you for being such an inspiration for me. always keep the faith :) - k
I am safe and sound. Although some things never change; the stars still fall everytime I make a wish and chant a graceful song for me. I am ready to let you go. With the heart made from diamond; it shines, it’s beautiful, and would never ever get hurt. Farewell, Moon Man.
It’s getting closer. I don’t know whether I should be happy or would it be just another day of grief for me. I might as well stay calm and act like it’s the best day of my life, probably. I’m just a dumb person who enjoys to play pretend a bit too much anyway. Mostly, though, I pretend to be steadfast and unbreakable. I do play pretend like this pretty often, and it makes me good at it.
This is what happens when I get older, Moon Man. There are no such things as possibilities. I no longer have faith in it. Gloomy pictures of dreamy places are all that I have got to look at. If you think that is not enough, I can only look at them from afar, because I am too scared I will ruin their charms. My delicate heart has turned into a thick glass. Cold and hard; yet still fragile.

i don’t like it when i loathe and love something at the same time. i don’t like it when i got a story in my head but i forgot it when i’m about to write it down. i don’t like it when the room is getting too cold. i don’t like it when there is a silence that feels awkward and strange between us. i don’t like it when a dream is just another dream. i don’t like it when i couldn’t finish what i’ve started.

she had her own reasons. when she tried to explain everything—yet miserably failed at it and remained silent instead—she got her own reasons. in her head, in her heart.

here are my answers to your damn questions. i do care about you. a lot. but i don’t want to get too attached with you, because i know someday you will leave me. i can’t live without you, to be honest. that is why i keep a distance from you. i can’t bear not to be with you, that is why i have to learn how to feel alone. forgive me for my selfishness.

those are the answers that she told her loved one silently. she could not say a word. she could only stare at the television.

i’ll just pretend none of those things ever happened.

you haven’t told me anything.

i haven’t told you anything.

let’s forget everything.

i need you to save me from this numbness

take off this mask of happiness i wear

i’m utterly tired of it

the only two things she knows.

“Maybe you should stop liking him. Loving him. Or whatever you’re feeling. Hating him too, perhaps?”
“I don’t know anything anymore.”
“Shut up. Why do you always say that? You are such a cliché.”
“I know. It’s true, though. I am a cliché.”
“Ah. Finally, something you actually know.”
“There is another thing that I know. I know he loves me. He just doesn’t wanna show it. For a man like him, loving a person like me is too risky.”
“Why is it risky to love you?”
“I’m insecure.”
“What’s so risky about loving an insecure person?”
“Insecure—for me—means self doubt. Self doubt leads to curiosity. Sometimes, curiosity could turn into non-sense. And non-sense—for me—causes numbness of reality. Therefore, insecure leads to numbness of reality.”
“And why is it risky again?”
“My guess is because he is afraid he might lose his mind. The fact is that he loves me. Secretly. So.. He probably have lost his mind already. Secretly, of course.”
“I don’t know what are you talking about.”
“Neither do I. Those are the only two things that I am sure I know about myself.”

-Karina, April 29, 2010